We don’t live close to family, they are all at least a short flight away. This has is advantages and disadvantages. One of the definite pros though is we have a constant stream of visitors coming and living with us for a week or so. Its really nice.
It was early 2008 that we started to suspect this unplanned pregnancy. We actually had my parents staying with us at the time. So we decided to wait till they left before getting the test, to confirm what was going on.
So Mum and Dad left, we bought a pregnancy test, my wife went into the bathroom. She followed all the instructions and then, amusingly, fled the scene. All courage had departed, she couldn’t look at the results. I found her in the lounge with her head buried under a pillow.
I spent a minute composing myself and having gotten my laughter under control, I went into the bathroom to check the little stick. We were pregnant, our first was on its way. Returning to the lounge, I gathered my wife in my arms and murmured, “We’re going to be parents sweetheart”.
All of a sudden, her confidence returned and she bolted into the bathroom to check the results herself. She couldn’t believe it. It really was an amazing few moments. A complete roller-coaster. Which in retrospect was a pretty good introduction to pregnancy generally.
That night was one of the most memorable, joyous nights I can remember. It can only be described with words like love, intimacy, quiet, still, beautiful, together. It was one of those evening which binds two people in a relationship. It was the sharing of a secret that can’t really be understood properly for its wonder, a secret that soon would be shared with the world, just not quite yet.
Pregnancy is full of such moments for a couple. Moments which bring you together and bind you with joint purpose. I’m really glad that we were introduced to pregnancy in this manner, as it gave me a perspective on how such experiences can really build a relationship and make for a happier home. Having experienced this first hand, I understood pretty quickly that it was pretty important to protect our relationship in a way that ensured these moments were experienced by us in our little circle of a new family. I quickly saw however that there were many egos who tried to take these moments away from us and claim them for themselves. I call these people the “well meaning women” as typically they are women who think they are helping, but clearly cross all boundaries of appropriate behavior and rather, interfere in the decisions and moments which should be respected as family only.
For example, one of my partner’s friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.
Second guessing the advice we received from our doctors was another big issue. When these women had their babies, they did it differently. So the information our doctors were giving us must have been incorrect, these well meaning women knew “much better”.
This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a roller-coaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.
But they often are tempered by the “well meaning woman”, who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)
I’ve talked to many fathers since these days, fathers from three different generations. The one thing that became absolutely clear to me was the well meaning woman is not new. She has existed forever, always lurking behind some skirt ready to interfere in someone else’s family. She could be a best friend, she could be you mother in law, she could even be your Mum. No matter whose face she wears, she probably already exists in your life.
Is there a well meaning woman causing issues in you family at the moment? The one thing I found when it happened to me was it was time for me to grow up. For the first time, I had to stand tall and protect my family. When these types of situation arise, there are two things you need to protect your family from.
Firstly, make sure these people do not interfere with your relationship with your doctor. Find a way to make them understand all medical opinions are off limits to them.
Secondly you need to protect the trust you have in yours and your wife’s instincts. These instincts are probably the most powerful tool you have as a couple during pregnancy. Your pregnancy, birth experience and child will not be the same as any other which has ever come before. Its unique to your situation and only your instincts are aligned with your experience. The well meaning woman’s instincts were very valid for her pregnancy, but that was a completely different experience to yours. So trust yourself and protect your partners trust in herself. Its important.
Remember, as an expectant father, people will continually try and make you feel out of the loop. They will continually leave you second guessing yourself. Trust your instincts, insulate your family from the inappropriate interferences of others and make the decisions which are right for your circumstances.
Damian Papworth as a new dad, discusses some of the issues he had to cope with recently, when he was an expectant father for the first time.
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