How Active Listening Will Enhance the Relationship Between a Couple.

Every couple, at some times, have relationship strains. There is no getting away from that plain piece of truth. As we recognise that the ‘perfect couple’ doesn’t exist, we can relax and then try and enhance/make better/repair our relationship with our own partner.

One key to a good relationship is what is known as “Active Listening”. It is based on the premise that, “Communication is not over until both parties feel understood”. Understood, is the key word here.

We are not saying communication is not over until both parties agree with each other. Most times, that will be an impossibility. No. We are saying that communication is enhanced tremendously when both parties feel understood by the other – even if they “agree to disagree” at the end of the communication.

How is ‘active listening’ actually achieved? It happens when each partner reflects back to the other what they have heard – or rather what they think they have heard.

What is to be reflected back is the facts – and also the feelings – of what was said. After the original speaker has heard them reflected back by the listener, the speaker can then ‘tweak’ the response to make sure the listener really did grasp the feelings and facts (or emotions and content) of what was originally communicated by the speaker.

Bear in mind, at all times, that the purpose of this exercise is not to get the listener to agree with the speaker – they probably won’t! The purpose is to enable the speaker to feel understood. We all know that great feeling when we can say/feel, “At least somebody understands me!”

For example, Jim and Denise are having words about things going in the laundry. Denise: “I am very angry and upset that you never seem to unravel your dirty socks but just peel them off and stick them straight into the laundry all bunched up. And then, I end up unravelling them. I get so cross as I keep asking you and nothing I say seems to make any difference.”

Jim: “So what you are saying is that you are really cross and angry with me for not unravelling my dirty socks.” Denise: “Yes, that’s right. But also that I then end up having to do it.” Jim:”And you’re upset with me because you end up having to do it if I don’t.” Denise: “That’s right. I end up having to do it.”

In the example above, the end result of the active listening (the desired effect) is that Denise feels listened too and understood. Jim may even forget to unravel his socks again but Denise has verbalized to him how she feels about the situation and that he understands where she is coming from. She feels understood.

If active listening is reciprocated by the other partner too, then obviously a good two-way means of communication has been established. Both parties will feel understood. That is the ideal. And then the concept that communication is not over until both parties feel that they are understood has been successfully achieved.

Note also the use of “I” messages (rather than “You” accusations) where Denise recognises and ‘owns’ that she feels angry, frustrated, cross and upset (regardless what Jim – or anybody else – has done to cause that). An “I” message is an acknowledgment that ultimately we have to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, regardless what anyone else has done to precipitate them.

And had Denise just blasted Jim with a “You” accusation like, “You make me so angry because you don’t unravel your bloody socks,” he would almost certainly have just got defensive. That is not surprising – would any of us respond differently? He would then, most probably, respond back aggressively – causing the argument to escalate.

Does all of this stuff about ‘active listening’ and “I” messages sound a load of theoretical claptrap? Then try it! Practice using ‘active listening’ with your partner by reflecting back to them the facts and feelings of what they are saying. it is not about being a parrot. It is about making sure that your partner feels understood because you have reflected back to them the content and emotions of what they are saying and feeling.

And if things go wrong and an argument breaks out? It is not too late to use ‘active listening’ and “I” messages after the event. When things have cooled down it is possible to recover ground, pick up the pieces and make amends. Better late than never – and it really will make a difference if your partner feels understood.

So there it is. Try it. And then try it again. And you will see that it works. And some of the tension, frustration and anger will drain from the relationship. And when you have tried it with your partner, then try it on the the boss, or the kids, the next door neighbour, the in-laws – in fact try it on anyone whom you would like to improve your communication skills with!

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